So I’ve been missing in action for a while now, I don’t know what to say…whether I’m suffering from writer’s block or “Lebanon’s block” maybe, but lately I just haven’t had the urge to pick up my laptop for one second & write, not to mention that the internet in this country is a real pain in the butt!!! I’ll be honest, I feel terrible about it, a part of me feels like something’s missing, my blog is missing from my life right now, but it’s just that my world has been so upside down lately & I couldn’t bring myself to type one word against my will.
It feels so strange being in Lebanon on vacation especially that such a long vacation doesn’t really feel like a vacation at all…pretty confusing isn’t it? I don’t know how my days start & how they end, & even though we’re enjoying being here so much, at the same time I feel so drained.
I don’t know what it is about being here that makes me feel so emotionally drained & some days I feel like I don’t have the patience to deal with anything at all. I know it sounds funny & some of you might think I’m nuts, I mean what more could I want out of life? I’m back home with my baby girl surrounded by family & friends & I’ve got all the time in the world to do whatever I want right? Well, yes & no. This time around it’s different. There’s Kyra now & although I wouldn’t trade her for the world, there are days when I feel like I’m drowning, like my sanity is being jeopardized.
Some days, I wake up thinking that I don’t know who I am anymore, other nights I go to bed longing to have 1 day of freedom, 1 day in the life of the old “not mommy” me. But freedom would not come by being away from Kyra & spending the whole day at the beach alone or at the spa getting pampered. Freedom would mean having nothing on my mind, having emotional freedom, freedom from worrying about Kyra every second of the day (even if I’m right next to her)…but that’s not gonna happen ever again I guess.
As a stay at home mom, I do have the privilege of watching my child grow right in front of my eyes, of raising her my way 100%, of not missing out on anything with her, but this privilege comes at a great price. This privilege means that I cannot allow myself “me” time without feeling a small pang of guilt deep down inside, it means that everyone around you expects you to always be ON at all times, UP at all times, RESTED at all times, which is not the case.
So on those days when I don’t feel on or up or rested at all, on those days when I feel like I’m suffocating for no good reason, when I feel that if I hear the word mommyyyyy ONE MORE TIME, I’m gonna bang my head against the wall, like all women, what do I do? I get a haircut! Yup you read that right, I get a haircut…cause when we women feel overwhelmed, sad, angry, heartbroken, depressed or whatever it is our hormones make us feel, we take it out on our hair & for some reason it feels GOOD!!!
So, by cutting a couple inches off of my hair, my head feels a tad bit lighter & so I’m back…for now. Hopefully I won’t let my moodiness keep me away for long cause I do miss sharing with you guys. So, until next time, hope you’re all having a great summer with more ups than downs :).