Today, my baby is one. Today, I have been reborn into this life for exactly 365 days. Today, I have gold boobs. Today, I’ve just become the mama of a crazy walking, talking toddler. Today, I’m the happiest, proudest, most emotional version of me I’ve ever been my whole life. Today, I celebrate my baby turning one, my one year of motherhood, and I can’t believe I made it. Looking back on that year, I can only share how I feel with a post I wrote one night in bed at 3am with my sweet Kyra sleeping next to me, so here goes…
Sleepless in Broummana…
As I look over to my right, my little angel is sleeping soundly. I can hear her breathe softly, see her beautiful face looking so serene, and hold her hand when I miss her too much. Looking back on all the years of my life, on all the I LOVE YOUs and I MISS YOUs, on the many times as teenagers we would think or say “I’d die for you” or “I’d die without you”, it feels like I knew nothing of love back then.
I have been married for a little over 3 years now, and with all the ups and downs of marriage, our love helped us make it through, and as I sit here in bed a little after midnight, I couldn’t be more thankful for the person I have decided to share my life with. But putting that love aside, motherhood could not be more different than the love between a man and woman.
A few months back when my hubby asked me “how much do you love Kyra”, I told him more than I could ever explain. But now as I lay beside her, I find that Elizabeth Stone put it best when she said that having children “is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body”. I find that to be so deep and true. I find that on the days that my baby is unwell I am unwell, and on the days she’s happy and smiling, I’m happy and smiling. But the craziest thing about being a mother is how aware you become of the dangers in the world, and how suddenly global warming concerns you because it could potentially harm your child. How every decision that you make is indirectly linked to that tiny little person, and even when you need to take a break from your baby to regain some sort of sanity, even for a 10 minute shower, you end up spending mental energy wondering if your baby is fine, and feeling guilty for enjoying the warm water a couple of minutes longer than you need to.
I have come to believe that motherhood is the single most important role, the most challenging one and most meaningful. Some women complain a lot that they no longer have the time to do what they wanted to, others miss the uninterrupted sleep and wish that their husbands could take over. I personally miss taking long baths, or even just a shower without having one ear out for my baby’s cries. Heck I’m sure many of us at one point or another have stated that we wish men could get pregnant or give birth or even have their periods instead of us, I know I’ve said it a couple times at least.
But when my baby sleeps, and the world slows down, I think of how blessed I truly am, how blessed all mothers are to have that power, the power to give life, the power to nourish babies, take care of them and their families, even work and help their husbands in most cases. We truly underestimate how lucky women are, to be the ones who are able to get pregnant, breastfeed, nurture and raise our little ones but mostly we underestimate our strength. So to all of you mommies out there who feel like the sky is falling on your heads, and that your new life has taken over you (and your bodies too), take a deep breath. Take a deep breath and know that you are doing just fine. Take a deep breath and look at your little angel and know that your love is grand, mutual and unconditional. Know that there is no greater love. Know that this tiny human is the only one you would truly die for, and without. Love yourselves so that you could love your babies more, take a break because we could all use one (even if it’s a coffee on your balcony for 10 minutes alone) and enjoy the least paying but most rewarding job of all, being a mommy.
To my Kyra, when you grow up and read this my love, I hope you see how loved you were since the second you were born. You are the biggest blessing I have had in life and you are the one tiny person that has managed to change a 30 year old grown up woman 180 degrees, overnight. I will celebrate each day of your life as if it was your first (even on the days when you drive me crazy), because I love you more than words can explain and I wish you all the health, happiness and love this life has to offer. Happy birthday my little monkey…mommy and daddy love you more than life itself!!!